I confess I am not a great fan of autobiographiesthat begin at the beginning and follow a temporal path up to the present day – not that the person might not have some interesting stories, facts and opinions strung on their necklace, but it just doesn’t appeal as a structure. On the other hand, in my last, extra year at school in Oxford, retaking an A-level and adding a couple more, I was allowed out of school on my recognisance and saw a fascinating Exhibition at the Modern Art Gallery. The Artist had laid out and photographed every single possession of a single person – for example, all the cutlery was laid out in one shot, all the shoes in another. This more thematic approach appeals more and although I am not arranging the objects which I have chosen to tell my story in chronological order, I hope that my writing will be sufficiently interesting to keep your interest Dear Reader, and that on the journey from A to Z, you will assemble an impression of my life and who I am…
All my work is done on this computer, be it work work or writing work…
Work
If you have been following my A to Z this year, you will know that I have covered a fair few of the jobs I have done (I like to say that I have forgotten more jobs than most people have had), but what of the nature of work and working? I suppose that most of my jobs have fallen either into physical work like signwriting and cheffing, or else desk jobs such as administration/management and writing, but there are a few other classifications like teaching, call-centre work and cinema projectionist. Nowadays, as most people have caught up to me in the retrain every decade mode, at interview, it’s all about transferrable skills and the dreaded “describe a situation where you…”. For example, mixing paint and indeed painting a wall with a brush, require much the same sensitive touch as making a roux-based sauce and a fluency with spreadsheets is required in running a restaurant, calculating quantities of steel required in a building project or keeping track of one’s poetry output – who it was written for and where it has been published. As I have got older, my work has revolved more and more around the computer above – and just to think that when I was at school, there were only 3 (Mainframe)computers in the whole of Oxford and PC’s and Laptops were not even a twinkle in somebody’s eye – who knew where it would end up – not me!
War
As a teenager, with history lessons at school, and my mother’s war stories, whilst she still told them, I gradually became aware of the Second World War which finished just 10 years before I was born, of the First world War which my Grandad had been in and of various far distant conflicts going on around the world, the Suez Crisis, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Vietnam. And yet, there was a sense that World Wars at least were safely in the past, as Dylan said – we were friends with the Germans now, the world order was dedicated to peace and stability, the Rule of Law and the fruit of that stability was the Global Village. The current crop of authoritarian dictators, some, like Putin, desperately trying to turn the clock back to the grim days (as others see them) of the Cold War when Russia was Great, and the man he helped to power who also wants to Make America Great Again, despite the fact that it already was great my most measures and considered so by many people – those men and other dictators of their ilk, have succeeded in shattering the stability and raised the threat level in ways we can hardly comprehend. Neither, many would say, does Trump, and whilst his name will likely be a byword for infamy, one day, things are likely to get worse before they get better. So far from the cosy certainties that I grow up with, what sort of future is being handed to my grandchildren, I cannot say…
Words
At 70, I feel I am a little too old and slightly broken, to become an activist carrying banners on the street, but if you have a computer and access to the internet, you have a voice and you can research and learn, search for truths, write – essays, emails, op-eds, and poems, then deploy them for the things that matter to you – wage war 0r at least counter-insurgency with words, for democracy, the environment, the downtrodden – and lest you think your voice won’t be heard or matter, an ocean is made up of drops of water and every drop counts towards the main…
Here are two of my poems, they are about America, the first written before Trump’s second election, the second afterwards, and in part, responding to the first…
America (I Would Like to Visit You)
America I would like to visit you but I have a fear of repeatedly feeling déjà vu having seen your treasures and tragedies over and over on big screens and small I have come to absorb through books and films and blogs – those love-children of Letter From America some understanding of your ways.
It is only my personal view others see you quite differently from The Land of Opportunity to The Great Satan. I also, of course, know real Americans both in the flesh and in the virtual world and even have relatives a whole branch of the family. Since my grandfather’s brother emigrated before the First World War he and his descendants have demonstrated the positives the opportunity to make good – it might have been less opportune if he had not been white.
Now I understand the wealth of America could not have been so great without the dispossession of the previous occupants or the relocation of millions of slaves who even after emancipation worked a different kind of bondage in the factories of Chicago.
I cannot preach us British have no right… just this week I read a supplement of The [Manchester] Guardian on how Manchester’s cotton wealth was the fruit of slavery just at one remove and the Guardian famously liberal did little to recognise even its own failure to comment until now.
America so much is squeezed into your great cities each pressure-cooking a distinct language which is so much more than mere accent but in between the vast wildernesses still exist free of graffiti the poor of the cities not banned but excluded from access nevertheless by lacking the means to get there
And so America you are a land of opposites of natural beauty and urban ugliness of obscene wealth and unforgivable poverty of liberal tolerance and extreme hatred. Maybe this is true of all countries but America – You proclaimed yourself to be the Great and the Good to be the World’s Policeman but all your policemen carry guns and so therefore do the bad guys and the poor and the rich by inalienable right.
America Dorothy has pulled back the curtain and the little man revealed does not match up to the rhetoric or the dream.
But still I would like to visit you America…
Written in response to “America [superstorm]” by Kathleen Graber from her collection – The River Twice
America (Krisis*: at the Crossroads)
America I would still like to visit you perhaps even more urgently – the rough beast slouched towards Bethlehem now born – a second coming the world thought impossible now come to pass mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.
How long before those Great Lakes are poisoned by polluters set free to do their dirty work and national parks still safe from the graffiti of the poor but not from the mineral mining gutting of once again empowered rich cost corner-cutting pipelines fracture and spill their black gold on sacred reservations and beyond.
To appease his base your President has pulled your role as policeman to the world citing the cost but alongside military might your soft power saved lives now already doomed as vaccinations, retro-virals and simply food are withdrawn allies against oppression abandoned in favour of the oppressors and that is without the chaos of world markets disarrayed the world order disrupted by a thoughtless human hand grenade.
We British cannot talk – we also had a Prime Minister unelected, full of hubris, who made leader by her party with no electoral mandate fancied herself a disruptor and lasted less time than a lettuce but whose damage lives on
– small fry compared to POTUS whose power, mandated, he claims has already hurt the whole world in ways no magic reset can reverse and in truth, his mandate was less than half of “We the people…” his vandals slashing government to smash the laws that hold them back from moving money – poor to rich once more…
The “Land of Opportunity” that favoured my grandfather’s brother and many another immigrant now demonises the souls who would make their way too to share the possibilities of a bright future for their families even as the undocumented labour that oils the wheels of the American economy – fentanyl and the war on drugs a fig leaf to the injustice of forced repatriation of those already embedded in America their dreams and families shattered by the spurious scourge of anti-immigrant sentiment pitting the poor against the poorer still.
So America I would still like to visit you but I am not sure you would let me in with my opinions here on record – sewn into the worldwide web where creepy billionaires now rule the roost and spread the lies that fooled America’s poor into electing their nemesis by inflaming the emotion of their abandoned sensibilities with false promises wrapped up in fake news – how long before you see the truth and can Americans, as they have before revolt against the white minority who would install Gilead the billionaires bent on plunder the bigoted descendants of the slave-owning South.
And if you, the people of America find your voice and strength again quell the krisis reassert the values that had America support the world order the rule of law, the equality of man then perhaps I will yet get to visit America…
A detective contemplates a corpse stabbed so many times that he concludes – this was personal so I am called an evil terrorist as if the zombies in a first person shoot-’em up were suddenly weighted to win I don’t want to witness my crime by seeing the enemy as people so I remember my X-box shooting down Nazis whose Holocaust ironically helped justify our Palestinian “displacement” between the bullets and the bombs
I press the button which drops the bomb but I don’t see the blast blossom the seven stories pancake down all in my rearview mirror I don’t even see the confirmation back at base – nothing to learn about smart bombs and our TV does not show the dead children or traumatised living amongst the rubble an angel of death my hands are clean only the world seeing the blood dripping from them between the bullets and the bombs
I am an old woman whose heart has just given out on the refugee road to elsewhere surrounded, shelled we took the only road they left open my children will go to Kuwait via camps in Lebanon where they will be displaced again by Saddam Hussain and die in England they will call this The Disaster but my great-grandchildren will have a good life far from the bullets and the bombs
I am an old woman from Poland I escaped the Holocaust of Jews, gypsies, homosexuals and the less-than-perfect of mind or body only to find myself taken to another prison camp where the Jews are outside the wire my husband and I helped the inmates driving them to hospital and I learned their language so they have scheduled me for early release and I will not die between the bullets and the bombs
I am a baby who died as the grossest provocation the loudest shout-out to a world that has long since stopped listening and covered its eyes whilst I am a baby crushed into my mother’s breast my grave a concrete sandwich but we two babies separated by bullets and bombs whose ancestors lived here side by side in peace for millennia if tested genetically cannot be told apart brothers and sisters under the skin…